I sat in the cold, dark shadows waiting for my prey to come within stingers reach. Days passed and turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months and just as I was about to throw in the towel, I noticed the delicate little creature withdraw his fighting stance, and limp helplessly in my direction. I have been waiting for so long that my plan of attack had slipped my mind. Should I snap him in half with my muscular claws, killing it fast and painlessly? Or should I lure it in closer, and closer until the time is right then suddenly inject the poison?
Giving one hope may be the cruelest way to play the game, and so, that is what I must do. Finally willing to drop the matter I mustn't get attached. I'm going to play with my prey until the time comes to strike! This time around, Vengeance granted me the gift of patience to make it sting as much as possible when the time comes. As terrible as the truth may sound, I was born for this kind of ruthlessness. I was defeated in battle, but let the record show I am the only survivor of the war.
No Soul
Bang! Bang! Self confidence came out of nowhere, but was a pleasant surprise. I felt a sudden burst of something new and amusing and became a promiscuous, flirty fuck. It was fun for a while, however now that it's gone, I am definitely noticing its absence. Back to the old grind of being completely unsure of myself, second guessing everything, and wanting unnecessary attention. I leave for California tomorrow which sends my heart on a joyous journey of adventure and fun, yet leaves me feeling numb of anticipation. I hope I find something memorable and worthwhile.
Also, I'm finally moving so I never have to go home and turn on the stupid name of my street! It will also be a slight relief since everyday when I turn home I'm reminded of the failed attempt I made at happiness. Still not quite sure why it bothers me so, I just feel like the situation was entirely too fucked up for my liking. Some day I'll be done dwelling on despair. My thought was, once I put myself out there, I'd find something better. Everything I've found thus far has been a reminder of what I'm missing out on. A passionate connection with another human being and the feel of their intimate touch.
I believe I enjoy being on my own immensely! In fact, it's when I'm happiest. It escapes me why I seek to settle with someone or even search in vain for a replacement or any sort of intimate relationship. I'm blaming it on divorce, since statistics show promiscuity is linked to divorce in 8 out of 10 cases (I did some research). Happiness is something I must find on my own, by myself, within myself.
Material possessions satisfy my happiness. I know there's people out there who believe this isn't possible, I am a proven case to the contrary. Whilst brainstorming about what to do with my period of despair, I've hatched a brilliant plan! Taking advantage of my creative flow while I'm not happy will be a step in the direction of happiness. Soon I'll be accustomed to deriving energy from my dark thoughts. It feeds my intellect and drive, for out of the ashes rises the most powerful of species: the phoenix. The only way to heal, is to bleed. By lamenting all of my anguish, I may obtain the key to understanding the source and thereby able to recognize and correct the problem. That's the plan! Genius if I do say so myself.
Meanwhile, those around me are fooled by the facade of happiness. I can hide the way I feel too well for my own good. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and months and life is great all around! Better than things have ever been, yet the few things that are negative weigh a great deal on my shoulders, more so than the positive and wonderful things I have in store for me. I have a feeling my unhappiness stems from my inability to accept reality rather than the delirious way I see things. Why can't things just shut up and go my way?! It's painful. My entire life I have made things happen and now I feel as though trying to control everything is out of my power. Learning to accept the way things are is a lesson I missed out on somewhere in my early childhood. Now a lesson I must teach myself. I'm going to work on that now! New goal.
Also, I'm finally moving so I never have to go home and turn on the stupid name of my street! It will also be a slight relief since everyday when I turn home I'm reminded of the failed attempt I made at happiness. Still not quite sure why it bothers me so, I just feel like the situation was entirely too fucked up for my liking. Some day I'll be done dwelling on despair. My thought was, once I put myself out there, I'd find something better. Everything I've found thus far has been a reminder of what I'm missing out on. A passionate connection with another human being and the feel of their intimate touch.
I believe I enjoy being on my own immensely! In fact, it's when I'm happiest. It escapes me why I seek to settle with someone or even search in vain for a replacement or any sort of intimate relationship. I'm blaming it on divorce, since statistics show promiscuity is linked to divorce in 8 out of 10 cases (I did some research). Happiness is something I must find on my own, by myself, within myself.
Material possessions satisfy my happiness. I know there's people out there who believe this isn't possible, I am a proven case to the contrary. Whilst brainstorming about what to do with my period of despair, I've hatched a brilliant plan! Taking advantage of my creative flow while I'm not happy will be a step in the direction of happiness. Soon I'll be accustomed to deriving energy from my dark thoughts. It feeds my intellect and drive, for out of the ashes rises the most powerful of species: the phoenix. The only way to heal, is to bleed. By lamenting all of my anguish, I may obtain the key to understanding the source and thereby able to recognize and correct the problem. That's the plan! Genius if I do say so myself.
Meanwhile, those around me are fooled by the facade of happiness. I can hide the way I feel too well for my own good. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and months and life is great all around! Better than things have ever been, yet the few things that are negative weigh a great deal on my shoulders, more so than the positive and wonderful things I have in store for me. I have a feeling my unhappiness stems from my inability to accept reality rather than the delirious way I see things. Why can't things just shut up and go my way?! It's painful. My entire life I have made things happen and now I feel as though trying to control everything is out of my power. Learning to accept the way things are is a lesson I missed out on somewhere in my early childhood. Now a lesson I must teach myself. I'm going to work on that now! New goal.
Drunkenrumble
Is there a full moon out? There must be. My emotions are passionate to the tenth power squared! It's ridiculous! I feel like a super-human for staying alive this long and having these intense feelings. I remember it like it was last week...
Because it was. Last thursday night, I went out on the town expecting (hoping) to see a very certain attractive fellow who just recently fell off the face of the earth. Unbeknown to me at the time was the very passionate way this individual strongly detests my mere existence. The point I'm trying to make is this:
Gay men are the scum of the earth. Except for my friends who are gay, they're the best people ever. I suppose just the gay men I've encountered in a relationship aspect. Anyway, I have yet to discover a beautiful male specimen who isn't all about hook ups and wants no sort of romantic involvement. It kind of extremely bums me out. I mean boys are cute and everything, but they're so jealous of each other. And selfish, and promiscuous, and liars and everything I HATE! Girls on the other hand, I haven't been paying very much attention to lately...
Why?
Hooked.
I'm filling a void of the worst sort.
What's worse?
I'm failing.
I heard the high pitched tone as I was falling, the kind you would hear when the coyote fell into his own plan and went crashing down the canyon after a failed attempt to catch the road-runner. I knew things were moving at an uncontrollable rate.
But I didn't stop it.
Now here I am, feeling alone and desperate finding it wherever it may be. And still--
Not. Satisfied.
I desire a woman of noble character.
She is medium height and fit
Likes to dress up.
Dark trendy hair with piercing green eyes and savory, luscious lips.
She would wear high heels when we went out.
And have the cutest accent. *sigh*
Until then, I shall refrain from hurting my indescribably passionate emotions and stay indoors with my phone and facebook out of sight. Shut myself out for a while! I've been WAY to social lately anyway. It's time for a break. Good bye society! And friends, nothing personal. It's for my good health :)
Because it was. Last thursday night, I went out on the town expecting (hoping) to see a very certain attractive fellow who just recently fell off the face of the earth. Unbeknown to me at the time was the very passionate way this individual strongly detests my mere existence. The point I'm trying to make is this:
Gay men are the scum of the earth. Except for my friends who are gay, they're the best people ever. I suppose just the gay men I've encountered in a relationship aspect. Anyway, I have yet to discover a beautiful male specimen who isn't all about hook ups and wants no sort of romantic involvement. It kind of extremely bums me out. I mean boys are cute and everything, but they're so jealous of each other. And selfish, and promiscuous, and liars and everything I HATE! Girls on the other hand, I haven't been paying very much attention to lately...
Why?
Hooked.
I'm filling a void of the worst sort.
What's worse?
I'm failing.
I heard the high pitched tone as I was falling, the kind you would hear when the coyote fell into his own plan and went crashing down the canyon after a failed attempt to catch the road-runner. I knew things were moving at an uncontrollable rate.
But I didn't stop it.
Now here I am, feeling alone and desperate finding it wherever it may be. And still--
Not. Satisfied.
I desire a woman of noble character.
She is medium height and fit
Likes to dress up.
Dark trendy hair with piercing green eyes and savory, luscious lips.
She would wear high heels when we went out.
And have the cutest accent. *sigh*
Until then, I shall refrain from hurting my indescribably passionate emotions and stay indoors with my phone and facebook out of sight. Shut myself out for a while! I've been WAY to social lately anyway. It's time for a break. Good bye society! And friends, nothing personal. It's for my good health :)
Guess what?!
The world is a vicious, cold, and terrible place. Dreams aren't real and will never come true. Liars and sluts are abundant in all directions! And worst of all, I hate my job.
So, like any broke teenager punished with anguish and distraught from life's cruel lessons, I'm taking a vacation to DISNEYLAND! Never in my life has timing for such an event been nearly as impeccable. Finally I'll get to hang out in a world that isn't a frozen wasteland, maybe kick it on the beach and visit old friends! Not to mention the hot new piercing I'll be sporting in my vacation pics. Excitement fills my soul. However until that joyous vacation I will be busy with work, school, tests, and moving. That's right folks, I will be relocating my residence to a location currently unknown. Only slightly frightening.
Change is a good thing! It's constant, and fun and bestows the gift of surprise on me. I love discovering the ways I actually react to different situations. Sometimes it's negative when I assumed it would be positive or vice versa. Anyway, it's always fun to try/experience new things. Sleep is desired.
So, like any broke teenager punished with anguish and distraught from life's cruel lessons, I'm taking a vacation to DISNEYLAND! Never in my life has timing for such an event been nearly as impeccable. Finally I'll get to hang out in a world that isn't a frozen wasteland, maybe kick it on the beach and visit old friends! Not to mention the hot new piercing I'll be sporting in my vacation pics. Excitement fills my soul. However until that joyous vacation I will be busy with work, school, tests, and moving. That's right folks, I will be relocating my residence to a location currently unknown. Only slightly frightening.
Change is a good thing! It's constant, and fun and bestows the gift of surprise on me. I love discovering the ways I actually react to different situations. Sometimes it's negative when I assumed it would be positive or vice versa. Anyway, it's always fun to try/experience new things. Sleep is desired.
Action:
Tired of you.
All the effort you cost.
All the time you occupy my mind.
All the things I want to tell you.
All the memories so far behind.
All the time you spend ignoring me.
All of your lies.
Everything you are exhausts me.
Stop pretending to care.
Your efforts are wasted.
Don't say we're still friends.
We will never be.
Don't act like this is my fault.
You're half to blame.
I want you to move on.
I want me to move on.
Let's just pretend this never happened.
Easy for you.
Thanks for teaching me a lesson.
Fair weather friend.
The time we spent together gave me a sense of what you are-
A very good actor.
Take care.
All the effort you cost.
All the time you occupy my mind.
All the things I want to tell you.
All the memories so far behind.
All the time you spend ignoring me.
All of your lies.
Everything you are exhausts me.
Stop pretending to care.
Your efforts are wasted.
Don't say we're still friends.
We will never be.
Don't act like this is my fault.
You're half to blame.
I want you to move on.
I want me to move on.
Let's just pretend this never happened.
Easy for you.
Thanks for teaching me a lesson.
Fair weather friend.
The time we spent together gave me a sense of what you are-
A very good actor.
Take care.
Valentine's Day (motherfucker)!
Well. It's that day of the year again. I'm surrounded by flowers, chocolate and shiny red heart-shaped balloons and I couldn't be more pessimistic. In addition, my head is throbbing and my tummy is rumbling and I'm utterly exhausted after a long night of puking and making out with people I wish I didn't make out with. Not in that order. I guess a feeling of refreshment slightly lingers in my mind, after all, I did celebrate a new year.
On the bright side, I saw familiar faces and friends I adore last night of whom I haven't seen in longer than I would have hoped. My attire last night was pretty rad and I got mad compliments on it which did wonders for my painstakingly low self-esteem. Compliments are just one of those things I'm not sure I'll ever know how to accept. I do enjoy them a great deal, however.
Partying with people from work is funny. It's like "hello I'm drunk, you're drunk, and the respect we once had for each other is now broken forever." not in a bad way I guess. If that makes any sense at all. It's hard to think hungover. I wish I knew where my phone was. More importantly my iPod! Can't go 20 minutes without that thing. I apologize for this post is irrelevant to everything I'm just bored and felt as though expressing my thoughts was a good idea.
To hosts of last night's party:
Thank you for hosting such a large and boisterous evening! I thoroughly enjoyed myself :) Kruetzer throws the BEST parties and thank you roommates for participating and enjoying yourselves as well! Tahtah.
On the bright side, I saw familiar faces and friends I adore last night of whom I haven't seen in longer than I would have hoped. My attire last night was pretty rad and I got mad compliments on it which did wonders for my painstakingly low self-esteem. Compliments are just one of those things I'm not sure I'll ever know how to accept. I do enjoy them a great deal, however.
Partying with people from work is funny. It's like "hello I'm drunk, you're drunk, and the respect we once had for each other is now broken forever." not in a bad way I guess. If that makes any sense at all. It's hard to think hungover. I wish I knew where my phone was. More importantly my iPod! Can't go 20 minutes without that thing. I apologize for this post is irrelevant to everything I'm just bored and felt as though expressing my thoughts was a good idea.
To hosts of last night's party:
Thank you for hosting such a large and boisterous evening! I thoroughly enjoyed myself :) Kruetzer throws the BEST parties and thank you roommates for participating and enjoying yourselves as well! Tahtah.
Freak in the Sheets
I'm struggling to breathe in a world of adulthood and temptation. Fixated on the possibilities rather than the reality of things. Every time I snap out of it, regrets plague my soul until I reconsider the way things could be. School is a terrible place this semester. I walk amongst the rest of campus' inhabitants and have no desire for social interaction. Eye candy is outrageously smokin this time around and I cringe with every other chrome bag in sight.
Influences for my appearance range everywhere from the outrageously attractive hipsters on campus, to the male models in my GQ magazines, and elements gathered and interpreted from Lady GaGa. This is because as I age I'm trying to uncover who I really am underneath it all. I do such a good job hiding myself from the world that it's impossible to come out of hiding even from myself.
My first victim was a middle-aged suburban woman drenched in purple from head to toe. It was cold outside so she had a hideous purple peacoat with disgusting purple gloves and a rather unattractive fluffy purple scarf. She literally had her nose so high in the air it was as if she thought Jesus would come floating down from heaven and give her a kiss on the forehead. Luckily, she pissed me off enough for me to passively intimidate her from across the lightrail. Such a bitch.
I seek answers. What am I to do when someone hates commitment and obligation? I agree they are scary but what I fear even more is abandonment. The loss of interest. How am I to know the next time I see him he won't have found at least 43 others who are better qualified? The thought repels sleep from my bedroom and rest in my mind.
I stopped to question society again and got lost in my thoughts. Why is it nobody thinks they fit in yet everyone is convinced there are societal standards of fitting in? If nobody fits in then everyone does. It may be the only thing we have in common. I'm tired of wanting to be older - it's as though I'm wishing three years of my life away! I have no desire for a fake ID nor do I wish to step foot in a bar or club that is 21+ until I, myself am 21+. This sudden realization may result in my having to make new friends and get over the Hawty. If that's the case you can bet your bottom dollar that I will have no regrets or sadness about it. It's been on my mind a lot these past few days.
Valentine's day is on Sunday. That holiday may very well be the bane of my existence. I am a hopeless romantic and have yet to have a satisfying or even happy valentine's day. Not that it's a big deal or anything, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up to be thoroughly disappointed over a stupid holiday that shouldn't even be on a calender. If Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love - the most intimate and passionate emotion known to man - then why is it we (as men) feel the need to spend money on material items to express this so called "love"? I'll tell you why: The MAN needs something else to cash in on therefore he dictates everyone must be in love on valentine's day so they spend their money on stupid things that won't make anyone happy except someone else's pocket book. Yet everyone finds a valentine to buy stuff for and spend quality time together. I vote we declare valentine's day from this day forth to be known solely as "Freak in the Sheets Day"! That's all that's special about that god forsaken holiday anyway we might as well be honest about it!
Speaking of, I might make a few trips to sporting good stores before then. Just in case. There I go again! Fuckihatemyself.
Influences for my appearance range everywhere from the outrageously attractive hipsters on campus, to the male models in my GQ magazines, and elements gathered and interpreted from Lady GaGa. This is because as I age I'm trying to uncover who I really am underneath it all. I do such a good job hiding myself from the world that it's impossible to come out of hiding even from myself.
My first victim was a middle-aged suburban woman drenched in purple from head to toe. It was cold outside so she had a hideous purple peacoat with disgusting purple gloves and a rather unattractive fluffy purple scarf. She literally had her nose so high in the air it was as if she thought Jesus would come floating down from heaven and give her a kiss on the forehead. Luckily, she pissed me off enough for me to passively intimidate her from across the lightrail. Such a bitch.
I seek answers. What am I to do when someone hates commitment and obligation? I agree they are scary but what I fear even more is abandonment. The loss of interest. How am I to know the next time I see him he won't have found at least 43 others who are better qualified? The thought repels sleep from my bedroom and rest in my mind.
I stopped to question society again and got lost in my thoughts. Why is it nobody thinks they fit in yet everyone is convinced there are societal standards of fitting in? If nobody fits in then everyone does. It may be the only thing we have in common. I'm tired of wanting to be older - it's as though I'm wishing three years of my life away! I have no desire for a fake ID nor do I wish to step foot in a bar or club that is 21+ until I, myself am 21+. This sudden realization may result in my having to make new friends and get over the Hawty. If that's the case you can bet your bottom dollar that I will have no regrets or sadness about it. It's been on my mind a lot these past few days.
Valentine's day is on Sunday. That holiday may very well be the bane of my existence. I am a hopeless romantic and have yet to have a satisfying or even happy valentine's day. Not that it's a big deal or anything, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up to be thoroughly disappointed over a stupid holiday that shouldn't even be on a calender. If Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love - the most intimate and passionate emotion known to man - then why is it we (as men) feel the need to spend money on material items to express this so called "love"? I'll tell you why: The MAN needs something else to cash in on therefore he dictates everyone must be in love on valentine's day so they spend their money on stupid things that won't make anyone happy except someone else's pocket book. Yet everyone finds a valentine to buy stuff for and spend quality time together. I vote we declare valentine's day from this day forth to be known solely as "Freak in the Sheets Day"! That's all that's special about that god forsaken holiday anyway we might as well be honest about it!
Speaking of, I might make a few trips to sporting good stores before then. Just in case. There I go again! Fuckihatemyself.
Helena
A roundhouse kick to the face left me without bruises, blood, broken bones, or missing teeth. Instead, I gained an understanding of the word pain and the fear of the possibility it could ever happen again. The same can be said for a different situation involving trust, silly emotions and other mythical things that don't exist. But we won't go there yet.
This semester has been such a bumpy road and we're half way through the first full week of classes. I began as a full-time student and now stand before you as a part-time student. Why is this? The answer can be summarized in five words: Metropolitan State College of Denver. That place is a joke. Seriously? I was getting lectured about nutrition and sports performance by Reese Witherspoon's character in Legally Blonde. The nutrition professor spelled DIETITIAN wrong! It was in that moment I knew she was incapable of giving me an education. So I dropped it like it's hot and it's too late to get another class. The result: I'm taking 9 credit hours this semester. I'm a waste of space.
Not to mention my "saturday night" last night may have pushed me over the edge. I have been combating illness and keeping my immune system strong. All that partying last night wore me down and guess who has a temperature? Lacking sleep, charisma and health makes me somewhat emotional. This is as close as we're getting to my real problems...
Music class is extremely intriguing! The very first day 4 girls (all woulds) were flirting with me and kinda fighting over my attention. At the time I was focusing elsewhere however suddenly I'm tempted to review their proposals... Anyway I ended up scoring all 4 of their numbers and one kiss on the cheek. It's so hard not to be a slut in college. Must. Practice. Self. Control.
This is the most fun I have had all day! Thank you reader for taking the time to listen to me rant in your voice.
This semester has been such a bumpy road and we're half way through the first full week of classes. I began as a full-time student and now stand before you as a part-time student. Why is this? The answer can be summarized in five words: Metropolitan State College of Denver. That place is a joke. Seriously? I was getting lectured about nutrition and sports performance by Reese Witherspoon's character in Legally Blonde. The nutrition professor spelled DIETITIAN wrong! It was in that moment I knew she was incapable of giving me an education. So I dropped it like it's hot and it's too late to get another class. The result: I'm taking 9 credit hours this semester. I'm a waste of space.
Not to mention my "saturday night" last night may have pushed me over the edge. I have been combating illness and keeping my immune system strong. All that partying last night wore me down and guess who has a temperature? Lacking sleep, charisma and health makes me somewhat emotional. This is as close as we're getting to my real problems...
Music class is extremely intriguing! The very first day 4 girls (all woulds) were flirting with me and kinda fighting over my attention. At the time I was focusing elsewhere however suddenly I'm tempted to review their proposals... Anyway I ended up scoring all 4 of their numbers and one kiss on the cheek. It's so hard not to be a slut in college. Must. Practice. Self. Control.
This is the most fun I have had all day! Thank you reader for taking the time to listen to me rant in your voice.
Newport Living
An agenda arises. Loneliness is something I've attempted to escape in the past by different means of hedonism. The result was nothing more than a few one night stands and emotions stirring in all the wrong places. Why would one continuously allude to such heartache - on purpose? The answer is simple: I have been looking for something I'm not ready to find.
Walking across campus at any given moment on any given day without even looking up 90% of the time and my little eye spots at least a dozen "woulds". The thought of settling with one person at my age seems ridiculous to me, yet I still seek someone to capture my attention and not release it. My heart desires something to communicate with, something to lay intertwined in and be unmasked. At last! Unmasked.
Lie to me baby spread your disease
Be everything I want but nothing I need
Trap me in lust and feed me your kiss
By the next morning it's me you won't miss
I'm tired of letting people in to be disappointments. Self control is my ultimatum and something I continually ignore practicing. Believe you me I shall once again reign as master of my self. Hopefully soon. I shall report my progress periodically.
Walking across campus at any given moment on any given day without even looking up 90% of the time and my little eye spots at least a dozen "woulds". The thought of settling with one person at my age seems ridiculous to me, yet I still seek someone to capture my attention and not release it. My heart desires something to communicate with, something to lay intertwined in and be unmasked. At last! Unmasked.
Lie to me baby spread your disease
Be everything I want but nothing I need
Trap me in lust and feed me your kiss
By the next morning it's me you won't miss
I'm tired of letting people in to be disappointments. Self control is my ultimatum and something I continually ignore practicing. Believe you me I shall once again reign as master of my self. Hopefully soon. I shall report my progress periodically.
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