I'm struggling to breathe in a world of adulthood and temptation. Fixated on the possibilities rather than the reality of things. Every time I snap out of it, regrets plague my soul until I reconsider the way things could be. School is a terrible place this semester. I walk amongst the rest of campus' inhabitants and have no desire for social interaction. Eye candy is outrageously smokin this time around and I cringe with every other chrome bag in sight.
Influences for my appearance range everywhere from the outrageously attractive hipsters on campus, to the male models in my GQ magazines, and elements gathered and interpreted from Lady GaGa. This is because as I age I'm trying to uncover who I really am underneath it all. I do such a good job hiding myself from the world that it's impossible to come out of hiding even from myself.
My first victim was a middle-aged suburban woman drenched in purple from head to toe. It was cold outside so she had a hideous purple peacoat with disgusting purple gloves and a rather unattractive fluffy purple scarf. She literally had her nose so high in the air it was as if she thought Jesus would come floating down from heaven and give her a kiss on the forehead. Luckily, she pissed me off enough for me to passively intimidate her from across the lightrail. Such a bitch.
I seek answers. What am I to do when someone hates commitment and obligation? I agree they are scary but what I fear even more is abandonment. The loss of interest. How am I to know the next time I see him he won't have found at least 43 others who are better qualified? The thought repels sleep from my bedroom and rest in my mind.
I stopped to question society again and got lost in my thoughts. Why is it nobody thinks they fit in yet everyone is convinced there are societal standards of fitting in? If nobody fits in then everyone does. It may be the only thing we have in common. I'm tired of wanting to be older - it's as though I'm wishing three years of my life away! I have no desire for a fake ID nor do I wish to step foot in a bar or club that is 21+ until I, myself am 21+. This sudden realization may result in my having to make new friends and get over the Hawty. If that's the case you can bet your bottom dollar that I will have no regrets or sadness about it. It's been on my mind a lot these past few days.
Valentine's day is on Sunday. That holiday may very well be the bane of my existence. I am a hopeless romantic and have yet to have a satisfying or even happy valentine's day. Not that it's a big deal or anything, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up to be thoroughly disappointed over a stupid holiday that shouldn't even be on a calender. If Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love - the most intimate and passionate emotion known to man - then why is it we (as men) feel the need to spend money on material items to express this so called "love"? I'll tell you why: The MAN needs something else to cash in on therefore he dictates everyone must be in love on valentine's day so they spend their money on stupid things that won't make anyone happy except someone else's pocket book. Yet everyone finds a valentine to buy stuff for and spend quality time together. I vote we declare valentine's day from this day forth to be known solely as "Freak in the Sheets Day"! That's all that's special about that god forsaken holiday anyway we might as well be honest about it!
Speaking of, I might make a few trips to sporting good stores before then. Just in case. There I go again! Fuckihatemyself.
