Bang! Bang! Self confidence came out of nowhere, but was a pleasant surprise. I felt a sudden burst of something new and amusing and became a promiscuous, flirty fuck. It was fun for a while, however now that it's gone, I am definitely noticing its absence. Back to the old grind of being completely unsure of myself, second guessing everything, and wanting unnecessary attention. I leave for California tomorrow which sends my heart on a joyous journey of adventure and fun, yet leaves me feeling numb of anticipation. I hope I find something memorable and worthwhile.
Also, I'm finally moving so I never have to go home and turn on the stupid name of my street! It will also be a slight relief since everyday when I turn home I'm reminded of the failed attempt I made at happiness. Still not quite sure why it bothers me so, I just feel like the situation was entirely too fucked up for my liking. Some day I'll be done dwelling on despair. My thought was, once I put myself out there, I'd find something better. Everything I've found thus far has been a reminder of what I'm missing out on. A passionate connection with another human being and the feel of their intimate touch.
I believe I enjoy being on my own immensely! In fact, it's when I'm happiest. It escapes me why I seek to settle with someone or even search in vain for a replacement or any sort of intimate relationship. I'm blaming it on divorce, since statistics show promiscuity is linked to divorce in 8 out of 10 cases (I did some research). Happiness is something I must find on my own, by myself, within myself.
Material possessions satisfy my happiness. I know there's people out there who believe this isn't possible, I am a proven case to the contrary. Whilst brainstorming about what to do with my period of despair, I've hatched a brilliant plan! Taking advantage of my creative flow while I'm not happy will be a step in the direction of happiness. Soon I'll be accustomed to deriving energy from my dark thoughts. It feeds my intellect and drive, for out of the ashes rises the most powerful of species: the phoenix. The only way to heal, is to bleed. By lamenting all of my anguish, I may obtain the key to understanding the source and thereby able to recognize and correct the problem. That's the plan! Genius if I do say so myself.
Meanwhile, those around me are fooled by the facade of happiness. I can hide the way I feel too well for my own good. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and months and life is great all around! Better than things have ever been, yet the few things that are negative weigh a great deal on my shoulders, more so than the positive and wonderful things I have in store for me. I have a feeling my unhappiness stems from my inability to accept reality rather than the delirious way I see things. Why can't things just shut up and go my way?! It's painful. My entire life I have made things happen and now I feel as though trying to control everything is out of my power. Learning to accept the way things are is a lesson I missed out on somewhere in my early childhood. Now a lesson I must teach myself. I'm going to work on that now! New goal.
Drunkenrumble
Is there a full moon out? There must be. My emotions are passionate to the tenth power squared! It's ridiculous! I feel like a super-human for staying alive this long and having these intense feelings. I remember it like it was last week...
Because it was. Last thursday night, I went out on the town expecting (hoping) to see a very certain attractive fellow who just recently fell off the face of the earth. Unbeknown to me at the time was the very passionate way this individual strongly detests my mere existence. The point I'm trying to make is this:
Gay men are the scum of the earth. Except for my friends who are gay, they're the best people ever. I suppose just the gay men I've encountered in a relationship aspect. Anyway, I have yet to discover a beautiful male specimen who isn't all about hook ups and wants no sort of romantic involvement. It kind of extremely bums me out. I mean boys are cute and everything, but they're so jealous of each other. And selfish, and promiscuous, and liars and everything I HATE! Girls on the other hand, I haven't been paying very much attention to lately...
Why?
Hooked.
I'm filling a void of the worst sort.
What's worse?
I'm failing.
I heard the high pitched tone as I was falling, the kind you would hear when the coyote fell into his own plan and went crashing down the canyon after a failed attempt to catch the road-runner. I knew things were moving at an uncontrollable rate.
But I didn't stop it.
Now here I am, feeling alone and desperate finding it wherever it may be. And still--
Not. Satisfied.
I desire a woman of noble character.
She is medium height and fit
Likes to dress up.
Dark trendy hair with piercing green eyes and savory, luscious lips.
She would wear high heels when we went out.
And have the cutest accent. *sigh*
Until then, I shall refrain from hurting my indescribably passionate emotions and stay indoors with my phone and facebook out of sight. Shut myself out for a while! I've been WAY to social lately anyway. It's time for a break. Good bye society! And friends, nothing personal. It's for my good health :)
Because it was. Last thursday night, I went out on the town expecting (hoping) to see a very certain attractive fellow who just recently fell off the face of the earth. Unbeknown to me at the time was the very passionate way this individual strongly detests my mere existence. The point I'm trying to make is this:
Gay men are the scum of the earth. Except for my friends who are gay, they're the best people ever. I suppose just the gay men I've encountered in a relationship aspect. Anyway, I have yet to discover a beautiful male specimen who isn't all about hook ups and wants no sort of romantic involvement. It kind of extremely bums me out. I mean boys are cute and everything, but they're so jealous of each other. And selfish, and promiscuous, and liars and everything I HATE! Girls on the other hand, I haven't been paying very much attention to lately...
Why?
Hooked.
I'm filling a void of the worst sort.
What's worse?
I'm failing.
I heard the high pitched tone as I was falling, the kind you would hear when the coyote fell into his own plan and went crashing down the canyon after a failed attempt to catch the road-runner. I knew things were moving at an uncontrollable rate.
But I didn't stop it.
Now here I am, feeling alone and desperate finding it wherever it may be. And still--
Not. Satisfied.
I desire a woman of noble character.
She is medium height and fit
Likes to dress up.
Dark trendy hair with piercing green eyes and savory, luscious lips.
She would wear high heels when we went out.
And have the cutest accent. *sigh*
Until then, I shall refrain from hurting my indescribably passionate emotions and stay indoors with my phone and facebook out of sight. Shut myself out for a while! I've been WAY to social lately anyway. It's time for a break. Good bye society! And friends, nothing personal. It's for my good health :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
